I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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