We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
