Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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