Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
