R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
