perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
