His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
