It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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