my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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