Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
