If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
