part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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