Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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