so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
