I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
