i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize