where am i from again
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
