12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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