fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
