Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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