I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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