when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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