he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
