Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize