I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
