well I can't set my house on fire every night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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