I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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