i need an iv and a liver transplant
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
