I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize