they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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