She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
