Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
