It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
