I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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