Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
