i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize