oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
