You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
