I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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