I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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