Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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