my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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