Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
