and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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