He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I AM VODKA MAN
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
