Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
