i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My liver just had a heart attack.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize