Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
