Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
