guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
