Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
