Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
