im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
