I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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