and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
