The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
