New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
