connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
