just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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