if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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