i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
