So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
