You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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