No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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